Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
