She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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