Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
