I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
