I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
