I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
