Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
