theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
