I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
