Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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