saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Houston, we have a blender
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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