OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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