I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
