she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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