I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
