I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
