I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
