So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
