you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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