I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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