well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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