I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
