omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
