whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
