can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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