I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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