Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
