So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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