I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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