The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
