dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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