I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
