I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
