Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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