If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
