Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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