I think I am morally bankrupt
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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