I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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