Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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