and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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