oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
