"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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