Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
