I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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