i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We just shotgunned beers for America
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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