The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
