420 ftw
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
