i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
