If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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