i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
